Archive

Uncategorized

Today was my 26th day of skiing.  Right now it is as if this is the only think that matters to me.  I don’t have any work, my kids are at college and my husband is at work.  So this is the only think that matters.

 

Advertisements

It has been two months since my babies left for college.  I have spent that time while not traveling largely alone.  I am struggling to find a consulting work or a full time job.  Right now I am out of prospects and feeling about the same as I did when I was 16 and couldn’t get a date if my life depended on it.

So I am entertaining myself by dieting and trying to sort through a lifetime of papers.  So far I am half way through a box of 2003.  If I can live to be 100 with nothing else to do I should be able to get it all done.  In the meantime I have turned my house into this total mess.  There are papers everywhere.  On the floor I have this good looking box I bought on sale last spring.  This is the box I will take when they tell me I can only take one box to the nursing home. Most of the items only have meaning to me, but they are things that remind me that I was loved.

I have also been playing mailman putting various pieces of paper in my kids rooms.  I am drowning in my own papers, so I am leaving the decision on tossing to them.  Except of course for those various “important” paper that I can trust them to know the true value of i.e. sport schedules and homework assignments.

On the kitchen counter I have a crisscrossed pile to be filled.  Interesting, because filing has never worked for me.  Years ago I missed a trip to London because I couldn’t find my passport.  I even took a day off of work to look and sorted through a mountain of paper.   Later I found it, in my file cabinet in a folder called Passport filled under P.

So in the end does it really matter where we put this stuff.  I have buried enough people in my life to know that most of one’s things get tossed out in the end.  I just need to dig through all these paper to find those little pieces of gold to go in my the box I take with me to my last home.

 

When I was a little girl my mother would snuggle with my sister and I and we would pretend we were baby birds and she the mama bird would pretend to feed us worms.  I still feel warm and cozy as I think of the game we would play.  Years later when I was in high school I noticed she had a ornament sized mama bird on a perch with her two little baby on a shelf near our kitchen sink.  While I never asked her, I knew that ornament reminded her of us and the game we use to play.

My mother died while I was in college and long before I had my own baby birds.  Over the years they have heard  my stories of my mama and her baby birds as we would snuggle together.   And the ornament is on display shelf reminding me of them and of my mother.

As my last birdie prepares to head 1200 miles east to college, I again think of my Mother and how lonely she felt her baby birds headed 1200 miles west.  She never made it to the next chapter.  I pray that I can find mine.

There has been many things said about truth, so I am going to give my opinion on it.  When I was young I was often guilty of what I would call “fish stories”.  My 15 pound trout, caught on the 4th of July off Michigan Island when I was 13 , became 20 pounds and similarly I “rounded up” most of the other stories about my life.  I don’t think most people knew, because my rounding was about small stuff, stuff that only I knew.  But that is exactly the point, I did know the truth and with every “round up” I was left with the feeling that the truth and therefore me was not quite good enough.  So now I make it a point to tell the truth about not only the big stuff but also the small stuff and that habit as done more than anything in my life to help me feel good about myself.  

The that is what the New York Times said about building the Panama Canal.  Based on the number of failed attempts and lives lost, I don’t think there was much charm in the adventure of building the Panama Canal but I do feel the charm of adventure about this blog and my quest to think slowly and to focus deeply.  Today I focused on five things.  Is that too many?  I completed one of the five and the other tasks have no end.  I ran. I worked on job references.  I organized the kids finances.  I transplanted perennials.  I started a diet.  I also saw no one.  

I think the internet is fuel for natural curiosity.  I am always searching the internet to explore everything from how to divide perennials to college rankings to politics.  But as broad as this knowledge is, it is also shallow.  I find myself reading less and jumping quickly from one thing to another.  Much like how I troll the internet.  But instead of this broad band of knowing, I want my knowledge to be deep.  I want to know less about more than things and more about less things.  I want to think slower in the Teton and thus the goal of my blog!